Another lesson from my 3 year old
So for what seems like forever I have heard it said that one of the most annoying traits of young children is their nonstop questioning of everything with the word "Why." Apparently, though she does sometimes use the word "Why" (mostly when we make a decision that contradicts what she wants to do) that is not Madi's favorite question. Madi will do or say something and within a few seconds will ask the question "That right Daddy?" or Mama if she happens to be closer to Nichole.
This of course got me thinking about what she's really asking. She's asking for our validation. She needs reassurance that her opinion or action or thought process and verbiage is correct and we accept her for it. Maybe she's advanced for her age in doing this, but it's my thought that for many of us that is all we are looking for as well.
I believe that many people are dissatisfied with their occupations because they either don't get told that they did a good job or they aren't challenged enough because of how mundane their job is so they never even look for any sort of validation. Instead, they feel like they do something a trained monkey could do and so they never let themselves get to a place of even being able to accept a compliment from anyone else or work in a manner worthy of a compliment.
Then there is family. Many couples split up because one no longer feels loved by the other. Many times you will hear of infidelity but rarely do you get to hear what that was led out of. I believe if you really got down to the bare bones of the issues couples have much of the discord comes from the lack of validation on the wife's end for all the husband tries to do for the family and the opposite is true of how the husband fails to value and validate the time the wife tends to put in caring for the home and children. This then translates into discord in more aspects of the relationship leading to a lack of intimacy which many times is sought out in others because of a deep need from early childhood to receive validation for what you do.
Continuing to look at the family one also has to notice the children. My Madi is very verbal in her need for acceptance and validation while my oldest Ariel is not. Does that mean she no longer needs to hear good job, I'm proud of you, or keep up the good work? No, she still needs to know that she is noticed and an important person in our life.
The other side of this which is just as important is our need to hear when we didn't get something right so that we may work on it and fix it or adjust to the person we are doing whatever for.
An example, in trying to help my wife recently I took the girls to the store to buy groceries and I decided while I was there I wanted to buy my wife Tulips to show her I was thinking of her. While at the store I was talking to her on the phone and we decided I should take Ariel to get her haircut as it needed to be done and time would not be on our side to get it done later in the week. Because of the groceries, I decided to run by the house quickly and drop them off to ensure none of the food spoiled in the Florida heat, I put the flowers on the center of the table and put the cold food away but dropped the dry goods on the counter and then ran back out so that I might hurry to get Ariel's hair done and be home as close to the time Nichole got home as possible. When I arrived home my wife was not very happy to see me. "Why?" you ask (seemed opportune). Because in my rushing around I left the kitchen a mess, she was trying to get dinner going, but had to put away the rest of the groceries and clean the dishes that hadn't been finished yet from breakfast before she could cook.
Here I came in thinking about how excited she was going to be that I got our daughters haircut, got the groceries we needed and the fact I even bought her tulips but that clearly was not the case. This of course upset me and the more I tried to get her to show a little thanks the more frustrated she got which in turn irritated me. In the same way, Nichole had been working, she rushed home to fix me dinner while I was running errands with the kids. Unfortunately, what she came home to not only kept her from doing that which she wanted to do but by my adding to and not cleaning up the mess she felt that I did not appreciate and accept her and her contributions or else I would have validated them by cleaning the kitchen and putting away the groceries.
Were either of us in the wrong? No. Did that matter to either of us? No. Why? Because we both had a desire to feel that acceptance and validation. We were trying hard to do something for the other instead of focusing on what the other needed. Yes, I appreciate and value all Nichole does, working, taking care of the kids and home, and cooking. And yes, Nichole appreciates and values all I do, working, taking care of the kids and home, and when it's my turn cooking.
The next morning after I got off work I let her know I was sorry that my focus was not on what needed to be done first to help her and I let her know how much I enjoyed the meal she fixed and she apologized for getting worked up when she knew I was being helpful and she let me know that she actually noticed the tulips when she first walked in and loved them but they got lost in the frantic state we all get into.
So here's where the rubber meets the road. Guys you aren't going to love this but the Bible clearly states that the husband is to take the lead and set the moral code. So, as part of my exemplifying Christ and His love towards my wife and children and striving to be more and more like Him, I am going to try to be more active in my validating my wife and kids. Now here's the thing just as God the Father accepts us, thanks to Jesus sacrifice for us, we must accept our family. It is important to say when they do something right how much we appreciate it and what a job well done and when they disappoint us or make a wrong decision explain that it doesn't effect our love or acceptance of them but there are better ways that they could have responded and acted. Wives and mothers have the responsibility to do likewise. Men if you want to see your wife act more appreciative of you be more appreciative of her, wives if you want your husband to validate the work and effort you put in then validate the work they put in. As a man I can assure you we do not always want to be off working or in the garage changing the oil or in the yard raking the leaves but we do them as our part in caring for our family.
Take time to validate one another. Show each other you love and accept them. Bosses do your part to show that you care for your employees and when they do a good job let them know you notice and when they do a poor job explain why.
Madi thank you for continually teaching and reminding me of the little things as it's the little things that can make the biggest difference.
This of course got me thinking about what she's really asking. She's asking for our validation. She needs reassurance that her opinion or action or thought process and verbiage is correct and we accept her for it. Maybe she's advanced for her age in doing this, but it's my thought that for many of us that is all we are looking for as well.
I believe that many people are dissatisfied with their occupations because they either don't get told that they did a good job or they aren't challenged enough because of how mundane their job is so they never even look for any sort of validation. Instead, they feel like they do something a trained monkey could do and so they never let themselves get to a place of even being able to accept a compliment from anyone else or work in a manner worthy of a compliment.
Then there is family. Many couples split up because one no longer feels loved by the other. Many times you will hear of infidelity but rarely do you get to hear what that was led out of. I believe if you really got down to the bare bones of the issues couples have much of the discord comes from the lack of validation on the wife's end for all the husband tries to do for the family and the opposite is true of how the husband fails to value and validate the time the wife tends to put in caring for the home and children. This then translates into discord in more aspects of the relationship leading to a lack of intimacy which many times is sought out in others because of a deep need from early childhood to receive validation for what you do.
Continuing to look at the family one also has to notice the children. My Madi is very verbal in her need for acceptance and validation while my oldest Ariel is not. Does that mean she no longer needs to hear good job, I'm proud of you, or keep up the good work? No, she still needs to know that she is noticed and an important person in our life.
The other side of this which is just as important is our need to hear when we didn't get something right so that we may work on it and fix it or adjust to the person we are doing whatever for.
An example, in trying to help my wife recently I took the girls to the store to buy groceries and I decided while I was there I wanted to buy my wife Tulips to show her I was thinking of her. While at the store I was talking to her on the phone and we decided I should take Ariel to get her haircut as it needed to be done and time would not be on our side to get it done later in the week. Because of the groceries, I decided to run by the house quickly and drop them off to ensure none of the food spoiled in the Florida heat, I put the flowers on the center of the table and put the cold food away but dropped the dry goods on the counter and then ran back out so that I might hurry to get Ariel's hair done and be home as close to the time Nichole got home as possible. When I arrived home my wife was not very happy to see me. "Why?" you ask (seemed opportune). Because in my rushing around I left the kitchen a mess, she was trying to get dinner going, but had to put away the rest of the groceries and clean the dishes that hadn't been finished yet from breakfast before she could cook.
Here I came in thinking about how excited she was going to be that I got our daughters haircut, got the groceries we needed and the fact I even bought her tulips but that clearly was not the case. This of course upset me and the more I tried to get her to show a little thanks the more frustrated she got which in turn irritated me. In the same way, Nichole had been working, she rushed home to fix me dinner while I was running errands with the kids. Unfortunately, what she came home to not only kept her from doing that which she wanted to do but by my adding to and not cleaning up the mess she felt that I did not appreciate and accept her and her contributions or else I would have validated them by cleaning the kitchen and putting away the groceries.
Were either of us in the wrong? No. Did that matter to either of us? No. Why? Because we both had a desire to feel that acceptance and validation. We were trying hard to do something for the other instead of focusing on what the other needed. Yes, I appreciate and value all Nichole does, working, taking care of the kids and home, and cooking. And yes, Nichole appreciates and values all I do, working, taking care of the kids and home, and when it's my turn cooking.
The next morning after I got off work I let her know I was sorry that my focus was not on what needed to be done first to help her and I let her know how much I enjoyed the meal she fixed and she apologized for getting worked up when she knew I was being helpful and she let me know that she actually noticed the tulips when she first walked in and loved them but they got lost in the frantic state we all get into.
So here's where the rubber meets the road. Guys you aren't going to love this but the Bible clearly states that the husband is to take the lead and set the moral code. So, as part of my exemplifying Christ and His love towards my wife and children and striving to be more and more like Him, I am going to try to be more active in my validating my wife and kids. Now here's the thing just as God the Father accepts us, thanks to Jesus sacrifice for us, we must accept our family. It is important to say when they do something right how much we appreciate it and what a job well done and when they disappoint us or make a wrong decision explain that it doesn't effect our love or acceptance of them but there are better ways that they could have responded and acted. Wives and mothers have the responsibility to do likewise. Men if you want to see your wife act more appreciative of you be more appreciative of her, wives if you want your husband to validate the work and effort you put in then validate the work they put in. As a man I can assure you we do not always want to be off working or in the garage changing the oil or in the yard raking the leaves but we do them as our part in caring for our family.
Take time to validate one another. Show each other you love and accept them. Bosses do your part to show that you care for your employees and when they do a good job let them know you notice and when they do a poor job explain why.
Madi thank you for continually teaching and reminding me of the little things as it's the little things that can make the biggest difference.
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